The lurking 2 Ps... be gone!!

Went through a series of emotional rollercoasters these past few days, through which I got to have a taste of what a breaking heart felt like, how the beat of the heart could get off-rhythm at times, how the feeling of it being "crumpled" up can get so overbearing at times. I never knew I could actually cry out loud until what happened. How it became all so real to me that I got so afraid of losing. But now, I'm SO relieved that the rides were over. Hopefully it would be a smooth journey ahead.

I don't know why, but I need to get over the paranoia that seemed to surface every once in a while, a feeling so hard to describe it could made me moody, listless and just discourage me from performing my usual tasks. Why could one be so mentally strained and pressured by what's going on in one's mind when what's going on in one's mind might very much actually be just a hoax, a cooked-up imagination, an unbelievably minute and also impossible thing? I can't believe I actually let my mind to run its own factory at times even when I know there's something wrong with the "production" process. No wait, I must tell myself to rule over the factory. Own the factory.

Looking ahead, a road of opportunities await me. So many paths to choose, but which one would lead me to the right destination? Which one would be the oasis in the desert, the silver lining in the cloud, the blessing in disguise?

I have to kill the 2 Ps. Paranoia and Procrastination.

A new week ahead. Job-huntings, interviews await.

Oh, and I'll post some pictures taken from my Thailand trip soon.

Later.

Quick Update v1.010000

Mood's getting better.
Feeling rejuvenated and ecstatic.

Mum keeps nagging at me "Don't need to work ah? Sleep till late everyday!"
Yak yak yak.

Invasion of weevils in my room.
WHAT'S UP with that?
There ain't any rice in my room for sure!
Pest control please.

Back to job-hunting.
Brings along rifle, harpoon, bow and arrow.
Not forgetting compass, ropes, matches.
Arrow flies.
Where???

Back from Thailand.
Great trip.
But I'm not feeling at all great now.
Post later.

Flash me a smile anyway.

I need to keep paranoia at bay,
To live another happy day.

Fast-forward-sadness.

Why are sad stories so beautiful?
So, if we like beautiful stuff, do they have to be sad too?

That is just, sad.

Feelings, Etc.

Pardon me if I'm going to add more words into this blog instead of pictures. As you can see, I'm going through a reflective period now. Pictures can wait, can't they? Anyway, you guys reading my blog should already be accustomed to the fact that words are the "pictures" in my blog, right? The thing is, there are many things to express which I like to do in words. Many feelings to put across, though some are undescribable. As far as possible, I will keep an open mind while blogging, except secrets. Everyone has their own secret, don't you?

Went for 2 sessions of tuition so far. My tutees are a pair of brother and sister, primary 2 and primary 3 respectively. Each session of 3 hours teaching them made me wonder if the clock moved 2 seconds instead of 1 second each time. It was amazing. I guess I am very approachable, they "climbed over my head" soon during the first lesson itself, which is rather embracing to know. Then you know what, I'm supposed to be their "nanny", supervise their work, pack their bags for them, look through the timetable with them, READ stories for them. Ok, maybe I'm a "MANNY"(some new word coined by some author). But anyway, I enjoyed doing such stuff with kids. Make me feel young again. And their flawless faces, laughable laughter and gleeful grins are the reason that made me feel a need to commit to their academic and psychological well-being.

Good friday just passed. By evening, I thought it wasn't that "good" at all. Things were a bit rocky between me and her. But I guess things got ironed out and all creases were gone for now. It's hard to keep tension at bay in a relationship, probably due to the differences between Mars and Venus. We talked about how innately different were our characters and the way we were brought up. So, it's only inevitable that sparks were created sometimes. On my part, I could only try to compromise and understand as much as possible, to overlook flaws and acknowledge the strong points.

Recently, trio opened up to me regarding her life, work, relationship, etc, telling me how blue she had been feeling. It breaks my heart to see how a girl who was always used to putting up a brave front actually have her soft spots as well. Just want to tell you trio, you deserve every right to find your own happiness, to lead your own happy life, to walk your own happy path and to smile your own happy smile. You might be going through some hard time but hang on there alright? Look for the rainbow after the rain, the beauty after the pain, ok? And also, thanks for opening up to me, and not being afraid to "cry in front of me". But remember, big girls don't cry(for long). Take some time to re-compose yourself. Wipe your tears together with your fears. I believe you can. =)

Sigh. My dad used to tell me men should never sigh. But what is one to do when life's prospects for now just isn't that high?

Open "fly"

Ever since I did some personality test with a question that asked "What's the best asset one can ever have"? I chose "An open mind" without hesitation. And I stuck to that idea ever since, an idea I felt was so true, so genuine, and couldn't agree more with. It summed up everything. Like a seed before a flower, like a caterpillar evolving into a butterfly. Without an open mind, there are so many things that can't be done. Of course, having an open mind doesn't mean you ought to be promiscuous or scream in the train for no reason. I'm not asking you to challenge your sanity or go against your morals. It's just having an open mind in the right way, you know? Like looking at things from not just a single perspective, looking at the pretty in the ugly, the extrovert in the introvert, the white in the black. You don't need to know arts to learn how to appreciate a good painting. You just need to have an open mind.

Haha. Ok, why do I feel like I'm writing some argumentative essay for GP again? Anyway, I spent most my time at home today. Went for lunch at causeway point with my parents. Had our meal at "Dian Xiao Er". And that pretty much summed up what happened from morning till lunch. Cos I woke up around 12 plus. I know I may seem like a snoozer, but I'm not exactly. It's just that I don't like waking up so early to find that I have nothing in stock for me. Maybe staring at the ceiling will do? Maybe punching my fist against the wall will do? Maybe breaking a hole so I can fill it afterwards?

The point is, I am desperately looking for a good job. And I have to say this. I don't want to just end up on any job that any tom-dick-harry or jane-may-sally can handle, or worse, be perceived as a secondary school student on vacation looking for extra cash. No way. I need real concrete job. I need more of our "first president's" in my wallet. So, you have got to pardon me if I appear like I'm procrastinating or taking my own freaking sweet time. The fact is, I've spent the whole afternoon scouring through the various job websites to find little that appeal to me. Perhaps, the silver lining to all these "hard work" I put in is, I actually received a tuition assignment! And it's 2 students at one go. And... And..!!! It's freaking near my house. I think I can laugh on my bus journey there, or drive there in 2 minutes without realising I have stepped on the accelerator at all.

At evening time, I went for a run. I actually WENT for a run! Ever since ORD, I haven't been exercising at all. I'm glad I didn't wait for like a year or two and probably end up wearing some "maternity" wear before I start realising the importance of exercising. Haha. HEY! Getting 2 years consecutive Gold for my IPPT in NS is no easy feat ok! Oh well, on a bragging note, hey, it's quite easy actually. HAHAHAHA.

Oh and I so wanna watch the "We will Rock You" musical at Esplanade! Ahh!! Queen rocks! But the ticket price doesn't! It's freaking expensive. I am reminded not to spend before I earn. I hope to get my outstanding pay soon(from my previous jobs)!

Right now, I gonna count down the days till my Thailand trip. OH yay. 5 more days before I set off to another country. 5 more days before I roll my luggages into the airport. 5 more days before I fly. 5 more days before I start hearing "Sawadeeka". 5 more days before I look at the world below from the clouds.

Fly boy, fly!

New website announcement!!!

Hey guys, guess what? I've just created a new website!!! It's a little community that I created for entertainment purposes. Do check it out k? By the way, I just made a few avatars for my website. You can get them once you joined. =)

Go to http://nightcharmer.angelfire.com/ now!!!

Back for good!

As you might have guessed, I've quit my job!! And so, say hi to the jobless me. But hey, not for long! I remember that day that I decided to quit, I went into the office, and one of my seniors just urged me to join in some product training. It was a drone to me cos I've like already made up my mind and there they were talking about the technicalities of the documentation process. I couldn't find my leader anywhere so I just had to sit in and be a "good" staff. Well, for the last time at the company. Soon enough, my leader came and I requested to talk to him. There were awkwardness even though he tried to remain indifferent. I mean, he didn't try to hold me back at all. And so, at least it was clean break.

Good bye credit card promoter.
Hello free man.
Noise from nowhere: Don't be free for too long!

Oops ok. So after resigning on that day, met up with dearie and we caught a fabulous movie called August Rush, showing exclusively at Lido Shaw and perhaps a few other cinemas only. I've been wanted to watch that show cos I had a strong feeling that it would turn out good. And wahey, it's awesome man! I add it to my favourites immediately. What a feast for a music lover like me. The kid acted great. And Jonathan Rhys Myers was charming and charismatic in that movie. Ah. Look, at least another great show starring one of my favourite actors. So, you have to watch it if you haven't. I rate it 4.795/5. Don't ask me why. I just think it should be high. I teared towards the end. Absolutely touching. Pulled at my heartstrings. Loved it.

Ok, latest news. I'm going to Thailand next week! Woohoo!! After like nearly 2 years of stuck-in-camp life, finally I get the chance to go overseas! And coincidentally, right before I enlisted, I went Thailand too. This time round, I gonna shop till I drop. Hahaha.

Right now, it's time to sit back and relax for a while. Of course, I'll continue on my job search. I'll start exercising and stop procrastinating. And I'll do what it takes to take me to another level.

Chao is back! Muahaha.

Hop-Job-Scotch

Today I woke up unwillingly when I received a msg from my leader, saying that he's expecting me at the office in Chinatown at 7.45am. I looked at the clock. 7.15am and I was still lying on my bed in a remote part of Jurong West. The fact is, part of my mind already decided that I'm going to leave that job. Yet, another part of me tells me that I should hang on. Well, actually I did feel obliged to stay on cos of my wonderful team colleagues and my leader who's put in so much effort training me, motivating me.

Went to attend a seminar today organised by the vice-president of our company. Some Caucasian. Good talk. Good speech. I felt half motivated. Looking at the audience of about 150 seated at this hall of Swissotel at Merchant Court, I was thinking if I really do belong to this crowd. My mind is drifting away, out of the hall.

As expected, I started work today at a zombi-fied state. No mood for pitching or talking to people. Didn't bother to force myself to try. Cos my mind was half asleep. My decision was half made. And guess what, my colleagues could see through me!!! Wow. They have this magical power that they seem like psychics! They asked if I was feeling stressed. I didn't put a mood cloud over my head that spells that I was feeling stressed at that time. But I guess you can tell much from my blank and dull expression. I wonder if the crowd did notice. I guess not. They are oblivious people who say "No time", "In a rush" like as if they memorised these words everyday. If not, they would just swat you away like a fly. And guess what? My company's teaching... We are told to LOVE rejections. Oh well, in the end, I was advised to go home to take a "rest" by my leader. Now I couldn't REJECT that offer.

Haha. I think I really tickled myself. Few posts earlier, I was saying how I loved the job. How many wonderful things I have learnt so far. And now I'm being contradicting. Hahaha. That's reality for you. Things happen. Thinkings change.

I'm thinking if I should send in a resignation letter soon. It should go something like this. "Dear manager, I have been in this job for 2 weeks. It's a regret I need to quit. But I can't help it. I need to breathe".

I haven't bought any stamps yet though.

Maybe soon?

Mind Of A Confused Boy

This is the mind of a confused boy.

He does not know what is going on,

Until it spirals and twirls out of his sight.

Oh welcome to the mind of a confused boy.

Now you see the shape of the mind.

Circle, oval, but definitely not square.

Now feel the mind of a confused boy.

Soft, spongy, burning or cold?

What speaks beyond shouldn't be told.

Listen to the mind of a confused boy.

Noise or music, sharp or flat?

Can you not hear the frequency yet?

That is the mind of a confused boy.

A mind so confused,

He no longer felt joy.

Written on 140308 01:03

Facelift

I suppose the first thing you would realise when you read my blog now is that I've just given it a new facelift. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely loved my previous old template, but I thought it's time for a little change. Just like my previous template, this current one is a simple one too. I prefer simple and plain templates that give me the liberty to thwart around and customise it to my own preferences. So yeah, it's my OWN template. Hope you like the change too. :)

Recently, I'm beginning to struggle with my choice of the current job I'm in. I mean, I'm not paid basic and I still have to spend long(and perhaps unnecessary) hours at the office before moving off to the roadshow locations each day. The worst part is I've been spending a huge part of my "ang bao" money or whatever left out of it on my travel and food expenses, as much as 10 plus per day. And I have not seen money coming in yet!! Argh. If I have to spend most days of my week for good exposure, I don't mind. But here I'm not earning anything. And there's still many unnecessary costs I need to pay if I don't hit the sales target. Ridiculous. Seriously, I'm now having second thoughts whether I should stay on for long. Or just quit as soon as possible. However, that means I have to start sending resumes again and hope for some treasure chest to fall from the sky or a treasure map for me to do my own exploring. Then again, it's just wishful thinking. Being in this job means if I want to see money coming in, I need to be skilful, crafty, and I have to strain my voice pretty much. And I already lost my voice 2 times in a row so far. =(

Anyway, I just came back from a heavy dinner at Tung Lok restaurant with my family, my uncle, aunt, cousin and my grandparents. My dad paid a total bill of $700 plus for the meal and he did not mind at all cos he said at least we all had a happy time together. And what he said was true. Money could never buy kinship or the closely-knit bonds that exist among us.

During the meal, had funny conversations with my family members, especially my sisters, who never failed to bring me down again and again. I heard people saying I have been living in my own world, and my boss who thought I lived in self-denial. Honestly speaking, I don't deny all that. I kept telling people I'm a born introvert. There are people who believed me right from the start. There are people I find hard to convince. As a matter of fact, I am! I am not ashamed to tell the whole world I am! But there's nothing wrong with being born an introvert right? It just happens so that I am innately introverted and soft-spoken. However, I'm learning to open myself to the extrovert's world as well, to grab two halves of the pie, to see two sides to a coin. It's very hard to step out of one's comfort zone to reach out to a more widened social circle. Ask any introvert and they will tell you that. However, I WANT to be the one shining example that introverts can do well in whatever they do too.

My sisters were speaking of my character, how I failed to appreciate others' effort, and failed to reciprocate what others have given me. Indeed, I find myself selfish in a sense that I give myself too much attention, thus foregoing on my outer circle-my friends who need support as well. This is especially to my best buddy. Thank you for always giving in to me, never failing to celebrate my birthday each year, there for me when I needed you, always sticking to me as your best friend, though we are poles apart in terms of our likings and hobbies. I may have taken your friendship for granted. But I don't mean it. If you have to blame, it has to be on my character. I really wish to do something about that, to shower you with more concern too. It just never crossed my mind that the usual happy-go-lucky you have your own problems as well. Sorry for overlooking them and not being able to be there when you needed someone to talk to.

Of course, this goes out to my circle of friends as well, whom I may have neglected in one way or another. Give me time to make up for you guys. After all, I may not be a perfect friend, but I believe that being friends are fate that we should lean on one another no matter what happens.

I guess there's no ending to learning, to improving one self in all aspects. Maybe it's time to stock my bookshelves with more self-help books. I always believe that the best asset that anyone could have is to have an open mind.

It's probably time to don on a clean new mask now.

Biz Blues 'n' Boosts

These few days, I've been struggling over the thought of whether I should quit my job. I know I know. It's only like 1 week plus into the job and I'm already having this thinking. Actually, a part of me did not want to spend too much of my time on the job especially since it's a 6-day work week. Another part of me kept telling me I should hang on and see how far I can achieve. Moreover, I did not want to quit things so soon halfway. I'm no longer the one I used to be, getting things done halfway and whatever. I want to break through and tell myself that I can perservere too.

Honestly speaking, why I'm even having such inner conflicts is because I'm earning "peanuts" right now. I received comments from my buddy and what that I shouldn't even waste my time on a job that pays only on commission, and which he thinks the amount is puny. I admit that I reserved skepticism for this job too, and of course my bunch of colleagues who are all so amiable and encouraging. Maybe it's a fake environment. But at least, the fakeness, if there ever is, is getting me somewhere. I've learnt quite a bit so far.

Today, I spent literally the whole morning and afternoon practising my pitching skills and talking to my leader, who's very patient and encouraging. To be honest, the prospects he laid out for this business are very very attractive. Like a sure-climb ladder to success. Of course, as I mentioned, I do reserve my share of cynicism on the too-good-to-be-true prospects of even being a manager in a short period of time. However, I realised that it's the power of BELIEVING that your turn to climb up will come very soon that fuels the people around me to work hard and motivating one another. Zooming at me, I feel like I was just procrastinating, and letting my low self-esteem take over me.

My manager gave an example today.
Effort X Time = Results.
E.g. 3 units of effort X 2 units of time = 6 units of results.
5 units of effort X 2 units of time = 10 units of results.

Looking at the above example, giving the same amount of time, you need to add extra effort in order to produce more results within the same period of time. So, you see, success is actually "formulated" too.

So, I have to confess again that I haven't put in ENOUGH effort for the past 7 or 8 days of training. Not because I refused to, but that I still have a tad bit of comfort zone that I need to hurdle across as soon as possible if I need to start seeing moolah coming in on a regular basis. Talked to my leader quite a bit and he said he can't wait to promote me to a corporate trainer. And of course, I can't wait to lead too. To have my own trainees. But there's always the pressure of having to perform in front of the amateurs, right?

And so, I agreed that I would work hard from tomorrow's onwards. I shall put my skepticism aside first and just focus on the riping "fruit".

Of course, I hope to see "peanuts" being muscled into BIG "chestnuts". Haha.

Sell-reflections

There's something satisfying about meeting new people, talking to someone whom you do not know. Something magical about creating a short-lived connection with someone whom you have never met, but have come to talk to. It's like knowing 100 over people in a day? Except that it's like speed-knowing? Most of the people you get to talk to is actually a "Hi-bye" acquaintance. Those that stopped to listen to you, you get a concise judgement just by talking to them and watch the way they behave. What's going through the mind of a salesman each day when he needs to talk to hundreds of people today but might only get the chance to talk to a handful perhaps? Is he going to give up? No way. For sure, I'm not a hard-selling kind of salesperson.

I'm just trying to buy myself more confidence...

Hi Sir have you seen our latest promotion?

Day 5 of my training at work...

I've seen more improvement in terms of stepping out of my comfort zone, approaching more people with less hesitation, and just go around in a hyper mood.

Actually, you know what? I LOVE my job. Not because I'm earning a lot now. In fact, I've not earned much since I'm still under the probation period and just trying things out. Here's 5 top reasons why I love my job.

1. Vibrant work environment
2. Friendly, outgoing and positive colleagues
3. Wonderful team mates who never once given up on me
4. I get to talk to a lot of different people and gain more experience + exposure.
5. I learn NEW things EVERYDAY.

Actually, working at this company makes me feel all so young again. I mean, the majority of my colleagues are around my age range, and therefore, the energy level is unlimited! Though it's only my 5th day there, it feels as if I knew everybody from the start. Going to work each day is like accepting new challenges and enriching myself in terms of the things I learnt, which is never ceasing.

Today, we were stationed at Boon Lay, my second day there. Yesterday was a bad day for me cos I lost focus of what I was doing and was rather taken aback by the fast-paced crowd which is a far cry from my Toa Payoh Hub experience. So I could not really adapt to it on the first day and ended the night closing no deals at all. I felt rather demoralised. In fact, I even thought of quitting my job this morning when I was handed the agreement form from the company. I was struggling whether I should stay on. However, my good team mates encouraged me to never stop believing in myself and give myself more time to learn, since 1 week is too short to judge if it's going to be a lucrative business for me. For that, I really agree with what they say and thought I should give myself more time to adapt. After all, I'm doing something that I like. COMMUNICATE. Once a soft-spoken person, this is the perfect opportunity for me to open up. In fact, my manager also spoke to me several times, saying that he pins high hopes on me and thinks that I can do it. More or less I feel pressured to perform. But the thing is, it's my team that keeps me going. Whenever I lost a customer, they will give me a high-5 to tell me that I actually did good by stopping the person initially. So I guess, not all things only have 1 side to it. You just have to look at it from different perspectives.

Today I got to talk to a few nice souls and 1 very "rotten" person. I approached this lady with a "Hello", and before I could say anything, she said "Hello byebye" with the speed of a bullet-train. That's just utterly rude. I was a bit affected by that initially but after my colleagues encouraged me and cheered me up, saying that such things are normal and that I should not get affected by it, I brightened up. The thing is, it is not worthwhile to let some puny puny person like that to affect the rest of your day, right? I believe that we should never let someone else empower us by what they say, what's more just 3 words like that? So yeah, it's a good experience for me to learn how to be emotionally detached when it comes to work, cos I have a responsibility to hold.

I would like to share with you something I learnt from my manager today when he was holding a meeting with us. He shared with us this analogy of how to turn an uneven rock to a smooth rock. He asked us to choose between a rough sandpaper and fine sandpaper. Naturally, most of us chose the rough sandpaper. And so he explained that using the rough sandpaper takes a much faster time to smoothen the uneven rock. Translating to real life, it means that everything starts with a rough side to it, be it the challenges you face or the rough moments you have to endure, as long as you toil through, you will see the "sweeter" path coming your way soon. A very interesting analogy indeed.

Anyway, I just SMSed a colleague of mine that I wish to see results coming in soon. She replied me with "Haha.. Slowly slowly la.. Aiyo.. Be patient with the result, be impatient with the process.." Something my manager once told us too.

Oh yes, and I should really count on that. It's the process that counts. As cliche as it may sound, you should count on that for results to happen.

I'm NOT just a salesman.

I'm back from the 3rd day of work! It was tiring alright, due to the long hours of work, but very much fun indeed. Though now I'm under the probation period of 6 days, I try to treat what I'm doing seriously to see what I can achieve within these 6 days. So far, I have closed 2 deals yesterday, and another 2 more today. A good achievement I would say, as a newbie. But I can't be complacent. I want to strive for more.

Yesterday, I was talking to my manager about my concerns, telling him that I often doubt myself if I can perform, leaving me with a low self-esteem. He took me to a corner for a chat, and drew this diagram for me.

He explained to me the importance of self-esteem, how it is the key to unlock every other chests like confidence, actions and results. If your self-esteem is high, your confidence will increase, and if your confidence increases, that results in more actions(which in my job means being more enthusiastic and proactive in pitching customers), generates results which will again boost self-esteem eventually. Of course, he did not draw the key and the chest, or told me that self-esteem is a key. But this is what I garnered from his teaching, which I thought was rather true. Many of us may know this at the back of our mind, but how many of us are indeed sticking to how the system works?

Just today, a 2nd manager was talking to us, the new executives, that a lot of times, we actually know that this is bad and that is bad, but we still continue to do it. Like we know fast food is bad for our health, but many people just carried on eating. Sleeping late and waking up late is bad, but people still do that. Why? This is what I thought of. Because this is the way life in the current times work isn't it? How trendy. The fact is, our way of our life, our biological clocks, have been thwarted to fit into the elongated hands of the society, which often move on at a fast-paced speed. Naturally, more and more people are turning into the "dark" side for a brighter future. Ironic isn't it?

On another note, when I reached home from work just now, my youngest sister greeted me with "High class promoter, you're back". In an attempt to tease me, it actually shows the many misconceptions that people have towards the sales personnels. Actually, direct sales dated several hundred years ago, where people at run-down markets, bazaars and so on marketed their products like silk, food and so on a face-to-face basis. And since then, people have generated a perception that sales-personnels belong to the lower classes. This perception, while having stuck for ages, is hard to change, even till today. Ask your traditional parent, and they would think that sales people are low-lying jobs. In fact, my mum made a remark that I am probably doing saikang(crappy work). But still, I knew she's happy that at least I'm working.

Honestly speaking, I hate this stereotype and misconception about sales people as low class job personnels. You might not know it, but more often than not, sales people are usually the ones who earn the most. Personally, I don't like to sit in the comfy environment of an office from 8 to 5, squinting at the computer screen and stretching my neck every now and then. This kind of job is stifling to me, cos I feel restricted. Yes, there is a stable income every month. But as a person who is open to challenges, I want to venture far to see how much I can earn in a month, and if things go well, going into opening my own business is just not far away. Ambitious? Some would say. But the truth is, sales people ARE ambitious. We go all out to chase our targets, and yes, there will be rejection. But believe it or not, the "Yes'es" will come sooner or later. It is a great way to build your patience. And the one thing I love about doing sales is that I get to talk. I get to step out from my comfort zone and be open to different perspectives, cos I choose to believe that there is no such thing as one choice.

Of course, those who are against sales people, avoiding every sales person they see along the street might have a different point of view. To each their own. As long as you find your suitable path, go all out for it. No matter what job you are in, there will always be a point where your self-esteem is important in getting you far.

Just remember, don't discriminate.