.::Multi-Colored-Dreams::.

Dwindling

I feel like shit now. After neglecting his msgs or calls, my best friend, who is now under 3 weeks confinement in OCS, just sent me a sms saying how important I am to him. Upon reading the message, I felt really touched but at the same time angry with myself. Ron, I'm so sorry for the neglection or the lack of replies. I know right now you are entering a crucial period and you really need support. Sorry that I'm not there. It's just I don't know what to say anymore. I myself am confused of who I am and what I am doing. I just want you to know that all these 18+ years of friendship mean a whole lot to me.

I'm sorry, but I feel like a bastard right now. As my dad rightfully pointed out, I'm a self-centered person who cares about my own feelings. As ron said, I act according to my mood, and agreements or promises can even be broken if I don't feel right. One more thing about me, I'm easily paranoid. I am skeptical about life, or should I say more about myself. I'm someone who's not very confident when it comes to dealing with life. All you see of me is a facade. So don't trust on that.

Right now, I really feel empty and lost. What my future beholds, I do not know. In fact I must say I feel scared. I'm scared of the uncertainties that loom ahead. My studies screwed up and life now is all hinged on army. Though I'm already learning new things to better myself, I still feel incomplete, like missing jigsaw puzzles in my life.

As a son, I feel like a useless nobody. I do not mean to disappoint my parents.
As a brother, I feel I have not done enough to protect my siblings, or to aid them when they need my help.
As a friend, I'm worse.

This is a warning. If possible, don't try to know me. I don't want anyone else to get hurt.

Sorry for everything.