An entry written by a trying-hard-to-be-optimistic-guy. And some insights about him.

Sometimes it's hard not to blame yourself the way you turn out to be. It's like you look in the mirror, you know you are you. It's amazing how you see your reflection actually change in the mirror, from a toddler to a teenager, and now a man. The change is gradual. Sometimes you don't really see a change as from what you see in the mirror. But when emotions take over, you know that you are changing. Ah, the beauty of change. For change is the only constant.

Well, I guess I need to acknowledge the fact that one would have one's own problems to face in different stages of your life. I may have a special problem that's not that common, it's not that uncommon either if you think it another way. Recently I confided in a few friends whom I really trusted and spilled what's going on. And of course my sweet darling who's still hanging on for me. :) I am really thankful that they are really surportive and genuinely concerned with me. And of course I have to thank my parents as well, who have never given up on me. When my Sergeant Major knew of my problem, he spoke to me and kept reassurring me that I am "normal". Lol. He kept repeating the same thing again and again. But the thing is I didn't even think much the other way. I thought, well, "unique" is indeed a better word. Haha. You know what they say about looking to the bright side of life?

I guess some of you might not even know what my problem is. And you might be caught up in some question mark as to what is this guy talking about? It's fine, but I thank those who've shown concern in a way or another. I hope to stay strong and regain my true self soon. I apologise to those who have to endure my unpredictable mood swings. Especially my dear, sorry that you have to see my "triple S face" sometimes. Hehe. But rest assured, I'm fine ya?

Oh, and I want to make a point clear. I may appear to be anti-social at times. You know, nonchalant about things and not really spontaneous. I guess I'm rather passive in a way. Next time, if you want me to talk much, you need to say more than just a "Hi". Maybe "Hi how are you?" But of course, don't regret if the rest of the conversation is filled with nonsensical talks and utter crap. Haha. Of course I'm kidding. The bottom line is, I'm just a rather reserved person. That's my innate character. But honestly, I'm really more than meets the eye. Who knows? You can push the "TRY ME" button for a start. =P

The road to recovery starts with self-discovery

I'm thinking of what it means to be "normal"? Is there a definition to being "normal"? Since young, I'm viewed differently by a lot of people. I have been labelled names which I don't want to talk about. Yeah, they may be jokes but honestly such jokes shouldn't be cracked. So after I got over that phase, things changed. I changed too. I no longer wanted to be a label. I hate labels. And labelling is discrimination.

Actually, it's not really much of a problem to me, except I'll be emotionally affected by what people call me. So I told myself I needed to change. Well, along the way, things happened. Traumatic events that shook my way of life. I got so affected by what happened that it seemed the way I view life outside the sockets of my eyes changed totally. I admit I'm a very sensitive person. But sometimes, I just wish I wouldn't see things more than ordinary people. Is it so difficult to be an average guy?

Many a times I told myself this, you are "normal". Don't worry. Sometimes, I'm wondering if I'm deceiving myself.

When I was young, I could cry so easily that whenever I got scolded by my parents, I would feel a whiff, and a sour feeling in my nose, and my tears would just flow. However, as I gradually grow up, I have learnt that guys are not supposed to cry. Yes indeed. Crying is not an option for me. Being in the army now toughened me up in a lot of aspects as well.

Sometimes, I wish that I can cry out loud literally. The pain felt inside when you are sad is just overwhelming. Figuratively, my heart is crying. My eyes may not show it. But my heart is drenched.

The debate of what it means to be "normal" can go on and on. There's really no point talking about it. I touch my heart and tell myself that deep down inside me, I'm still me. And no other things can change the fact.

I may not be a true reflection of myself in front of people. But if you were to look closely enough, it's really not hard to find the real me.

Haven't update my blog for a while. Have been really busy with army stuff. The parade rehearsals were tiring. But glad it was all over.

And I think very soon I'll be reducing my involvement in other activities. Yeah, that means all my parades and overseas trips should probably be cancelled. Ha. Don't ask me what happened. I can't disclose too personal stuff here. But yeah, I'm fine. Perhaps after 'chiong-ing' for nearly a year and a half, doing my part dutifully, it's time to take a break. I think I really need it.

Ok, I don't really know what to write next. My mind's in a blank.